Nothing In Particular

To be honest, this post is just an effort on my part to keep on blogging in case I lose the momentum of it.

Tomorrow will be the last day of September. It has been seven days since the first day of fall but it doesn't even feel like fall yet. Maybe it's the warm afternoon temperatures, or the green leaves still hanging on the trees... I don't know what it is, but summer seemed awfully long this year. Well alright it felt awfully short while I was in Singapore though!

I can't believe how congested my schedule got over the course of a month! I'm looking at my new October whiteboard and it seems ghastly empty compared to the September board.

Dragged roomie out to the grocery store with me yesterday.

Walked ten minutes to a little shop next to school called Bergen Fruit to get some tofu, beansprouts and a carrot. Altogether the food cost me only 2.75USD! I'd call that a bargain in this part of the world.

Super happy to be buying food after a tough day at cross country practice.

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Anyway, I was thinking today- why am I such a people-repulsive person?

I was having dinner with some schoolmates today and we started talking about two foreign exchange friends that we made last year. They went back to their countries already, but everybody on campus still talks about them. This new girl from Germany even mentioned that most people she's met on campus would somehow mention those two in conversation.

Someone then piped in that the reason we all still talk about them is because we miss them and that they were the nicest guys he had ever met in his life. Always smiling, always friendly, always down-to-earth and welcome at any place, any time.

I couldn't help but think about this a little more deeply...

What do people say about me when I'm not around? Would they say something like that about me?

I highly doubt it. I mean, I'm not dumb, I know I tend to make mean statements most of the time and I have trouble showing people my nice soft side (yes, I have one! Really!!! I'm not bluffing...).

I started thinking about why I have trouble being nice to people. I don't take compliments well (my reply to "oh I like your ..." is usually "thanks! I like it too!"; which then incurs a -_-" face from the person complimenting me) and I don't give compliments freely either, though that's been changing as of late.

I know I don't give people comfortable fuzzy vibes when they're around me, yet I'm not consciously acting like a cactus!

It's just the way I am and have always been.

But sometimes, like today, I really wished I had a higher EQ. Someone once told me that I probably had the lowest EQ in the world. I think they may be right.

Then I think about God's role in all of this- and I suddenly see the bigger picture.

I saw that before Christ, I was a way pricklier cactus than I am now. Granted, I'm still not a cuddly teddy bear (and maybe I never will be), but I'm not quite a smelly durian anymore. I think opening myself to God has taught me a lot about loving others before self and being honest with my feelings.

I still randomly say mean things to the people that I like, but that odd behaviour is slowly going away. And when I say slowly, I mean slowly. I mean, give me a break! That habit's been 21 years in the making! But now I understand that the things I say or do although may seem harmless to me, but it may not be so to others. I've learnt that sarcasm and jokes don't translate well all the time and people can seriously take you the wrong way even when you don't mean it.

So now I'm trying to, as I said before, be honest with my feelings. I will try to act with more kindness and sincerity towards others, not necessarily because I want to win their favour, but because it is a command of God to love others before self.

And if other people can't feel the love coming from me, they're probably going to discredit anything I say about the Holy Spirit living in my heart.

Sigh.

There's always so much more to learn.