How We Grow

There is definitely a cloud of thoughts up in this sky of my mind tonight but it looks like it's just a passing shower. Which it better be because it is almost 04:00.

I've been mostly thinking about the person that I've been. The things I've said that I could never retract that are now seeming to haunt me again. While I've accepted Christ into my life and understood that He has forgiven my sins, the forgiveness doesn't always readily translate into other areas of my life.

I see now that people are so unwilling to let go.

But what do I expect? That people will simply up and one day erase the hurt I've done them? Are they supposed to swallow the fact that I'm a changed person now that I say that I am? I think it's a little unfair and naive of me to expect that of people. I'm a firm believer in actions speaking louder than words; so how are people supposed to confirm my words if they haven't time to witness God's transformation in my life?

Surely there are roots of bitterness that only time and patience can pull out.

I can only pray that in time, God will show me a way to their hearts and that they may one day see that I mean no harm.

These thoughts seem a little trivial as I'm writing them, like the sort of entry in the pages of a 14 year old's diary. But I am only now beginning the grasp the meaning of "having little close friends and many acquaintances".

You can't be best buddies with everybody these days can you? It's a shame... Trying to do that just ends in too much sadness when you realise that you've been trying to scale an unscalable wall. There are just people who don't want to be friends with you, whether for a tangible reason or not.

Is it a sign that I'm getting older as I realise this? Can it really be that I'm leaving behind a stage in life where I could wholeheartedly try to be best buddies with any John or Jane in the street?

I tell myself now not to give myself out so happily and willingly. But then again I've also learnt how important it is to love without judgment.

Yet it is one thing to love a person and another to be best buddies with them.

See, a best buddy is someone you could feel totally comfortable around because you know that they will take your bad jokes, bad days and you could tell them lots of fluffy nonsense about your life that you know they wouldn't put through a blender and serve it cold on a platter to everyone else. You know that person's got your back, so you don't mind opening up to them.

But I can love a person as a neighbour without necessarily opening myself up completely to them, can't I? I used to walk around like an open sore waiting to be freshly stabbed and prised open. Some people believe that injuries heal better that way. But is it really necessary when there is bandaid available? I used to think being open with people was a sure way to get their sympathies going but now I see that I may be just setting myself up for unpleasant business.

If I see somebody I didn't know desperately needing my help, I would reach out to them in Godly love. Yet it's not necessary to let them into my life so readily as I used to do. The Good Samaritan did all he could to ensure that the victim was able to recover, but he was not recorded trying to be all intimate and friendly with the injured dude.

Well...

I let the Bible be a constant reminder of who is really in charge. I know that if I do the work of the Holy Spirit, I shall reap goodness at the end of the harvest. I won't let guilt or sadness talk me into discontinuing any work I've done so far.

But I guess this is how we grow.

We take a few steps forward, a few steps backwards... Some of us more steps backwards than others. Yet it is the forwards that I strive for, knowing that there's a better me on the other side of it. I don't mind the pain and stress now because this kind of crappy stuff tends to lead to a thing called CHARACTER, and I'd like to become a person with an abundance of it.