Thinking

In less than 24 hours, I won't be in Singapore any longer. And right about this time next week, I'll be starting the first day of school.

It's kind of hard for me to imagine that school is starting so soon. There is so much that needs to be done in preparation for classes, moving in to the dorms, graduation, track, etc, that my head feels like a merry-go-round just thinking about it.

Honestly I'm really dreading having to return to school. I read school-related statuses on Facebook and it gives my stomach a stinking sinking feeling. Even more unfortunate is that I am not in any mood at all for cross country season to begin. I haven't been training regularly during the entire summer and I know I'm not going to be able to make up for the lost time before the first race on 5th September.

I guess you could say that I am so out of love with my school's track team. Much of it is simply because I do not click with any of my teammates except maybe one or two and my coach and I never seem to be on good terms.

Often, I wonder why God even got me to start running track. Why did he put me in this situation if He knew that I wasn't going to be a fantastic runner, or even be able to bond with the team? Is there a point to all this? I know you're probably going to say that God has His reason for everything, but sometimes it's just so hard to see it; especially now.

Many people are excited to go back to school because they'll be able to party once again- but all I can think about is the pending stress that awaits me. I don't have many friends or acquaintances in school because I don't party and I don't seem to operate on the same wavelength as most people; so I'm not really looking forward to the social aspect of it as most others are.

Sometimes I feel as if I want to go out and just hang out with whoever, but then I remember my past and disgust just wells up in me. I just don't like that kind of life anymore- all the swearing and blasphemous speech, drinking, dirty dancing and smoking... I am so repulsed by the thought of it that I'd rather just sit in my room all day and do nothing than to go out and have to endure all that.

But recently God has been warning me not to crawl too far into my shell.

It's hard for me to find balances in life. I always seem to steer towards one extreme or another. But with the Holy Spirit guiding me, I am starting to find that balance.

Socially speaking, I've been down a very long and dark road since I was 8 up until about last year. During that rebellious time, I was usually dark, bitter and angry. And since your heart is the wellspring of life, those feelings would manifest in even the smallest conversations with others. Over time, the roots of meanness grew deep in my heart and eventually became a real part of my personality.

When I sowed those seeds of discord, rage, anger, bitterness and jealousy, I never thought of a thing called "consequences". It is only now that I am beginning to truly grasp the fruit of my labour. My labour apart from Christ. It is the shame, guilt and self-pity that I have to face on a daily basis. That is my struggle that I have to hand over to Christ.

So I pray dearly that God would draw me near and change my heart, make it ever true. I want to walk the straight and narrow path from now on and reap a future harvest of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness and self-control.

God disciplines those whom He loves and I am grateful for His instruction. I know that He will use my bitter experiences and turn it into something amazing and powerful for His glory.

I know some of you who read this blog aren't Christians and don't understand why I have to keep talking about Christian stuff.

The thing is, I can't help it. I want Jesus Christ on my mind and lips 24/7, 365 days a year, every year for the rest of my life. I am not ashamed of Him because He is the only hope I have. He rescued me from myself and nobody, not even I could have ever done that. I don't talk about all these Christian things to sound like a holy person or something. It's just that He really has the biggest place in my heart now- and it is only natural that I want to talk more about God.

I no longer want to write in a way that will offend people, sound rude, selfish, proud, obnoxious and retarded. Instead I will strive to speak always with a pure heart and a loving conscience. I may slip up from time to time... So I am very sorry if that happens.

But it really is ok. I know it will all be alright. In the end, God always wins.