Life & Death

What a feeling... Being high on running has got to be one of the most addicting emotions I've ever experienced. The skies looked brighter, the sun felt warmer and not to mention, the music sounded heavenly. It was AMAZING! Next to eating and sleeping, running has got to be my third favourite part of the day.

We read Emily Dickinson's famous "I Heard A Fly Buzz When I Died" poem in poetry class today. Even though I had read this many times before in my life, Its reality never so clearly and powerfully hit me as it did today.

In case you've never read it, here it is.

I heard a Fly buzz -- when I died --

The Stillness in the Room

Was like the Stillness in the Air --

Between the Heaves of Storm --

The Eyes around -- had wrung them dry --

And Breaths were gathering firm

For that last Onset -- when the King

Be witnessed -- in the Room --

I willed my Keepsakes -- Signed away

What portion of me be

Assignable -- and then it was

There interposed a Fly --

With Blue -- uncertain stumbling Buzz --

Between the light -- and me --

And then the Windows failed -- and then

I could not see to see

After reading this, I suddenly saw myself lying on a deathbed, saying my goodbyes to everything I'd ever known and built in this life. It was the most startling clear moment I ever had this year so far. For a sharp moment, I felt a deep sadness grip my heart as my mind grasped the concept of real impending death.

This was it.

My special time on earth, everything that I had ever done, I could never do again. I was leaving behind everyone that's dear to me and all the things I'd always wanted to do but never did... Helplessness overwhelmed me as I sat there in class and everything went dark.

Don't get me wrong. It wasn't a depression that I experienced. Rather, it was just the immense sense of finality that entered my very being. Ending... All through life we experience renewal. Winter gives way to spring, which circles back to winter again. We make mistakes and move on. We fall down and pick ourselves up again.

But upon death...

There our journey ends forever. There will be no more springs or moving on or picking ourselves up. There will be no more opportunities to "do better next time" or to "make it up".

Death is like a final exam. It seems so far away when it's announced at the beginning of the year. Yet it will finally arrive without fail, without haste or slowness. And when it comes, we only have one chance to prove our knowledge and abilities.

Upon death, all is final. All.

This thought struck me so hard...

I ask myself now: am I ready to meet the Lord and account for my life? If my time ends tomorrow, will I be proud of what I've done and will I regret anything?

Perhaps life should be lived each day with death in mind...